It Takes All Kinds

I like to read the etiquette column written by Miss Manners.  I may not always agree, but I find it to be an interesting read.

Sometime back, a reader wrote in saying they like to read obituaries.  (Not my cup of tea, but it takes all kinds to make the world go around.)  The reader said they had noticed the beginning of an annoying trend.  In most obits, it says something to the effect of "in lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to the charity of your choice".  Or something similar.

However, the annoying trend spotted by the reader involved relatives of the deceased asking for cash contributions to be made to them instead.  (The relatives, not the deceased.)  The reader thought this was just another cash-grab on the par of people asking for cash instead of wedding gifts, birthday presents, etc. and thought it was tacky.

Miss Manners agreed, although in a much more refined fashion.

Since then, I've taken to occasionally scanning the obit section of the local paper.  It doesn't happen often, but I spotted an example in today's (12/10/11) paper.  Specifically for an 85-year-old named Marian W. Payden.  She's described as beloved wife of (her husband), loving stepmother of Scott and Kristin Payden.

The obit goes on to say, "In lieu of flowers, donations can be mailed to Scott and Kristin Payden, (street address), Medina, Ohio...."

In the past I've seen verbiage that asked for cash to help with funeral expenses.  I can sort of understand that.  In these tough economic times, not everyone has insurance or savings to help pay for funeral costs.  But today's example left me with a dropped jaw.  For all we know, good old Scott and Kristin are going to take the 'donations' and head for a Caribbean cruise.  Or Las Vegas.  So much for honoring their 'loving stepmother'. 

Sheesh!

Papillon

Hats Off!

Okay, I'm still a bit fixated with 1950's etiquette (per Amy Vanderbilt).

Today, it's hats, especially for women.  I'm not sure exactly when women stopped routinely wearing hats in public.  It may be about the time that the Kennedy family left the White House.  I remember women trying to emulate Jackie and her pillbox hats.  Men stopped wearing hats because John Kennedy went bareheaded so often.  And I don't remember Lady Bird Johnson wearing a lot of hats.

However, in the 1950's, women had all sorts of rules about when and where to wear hats (and gloves for that matter).

Sample question from M.M. in Oakland, CA:  "Do you feel that a woman public speaker must always wear a hat?"  Amy Vanderbilt:  "Not necessarily.  She doesn't wear one if she is in evening clothes.  In many urban communities, where hatlessness is a matter of choice, I've seen many distinguished women speakers without hats.  In very small communities, which tend to be conservative in this matter, it is probably well for the speaker to wear a hat in order to avoid criticism..."

Another woman (Mrs. J.A.F, Monroe City, MO) wrote in to say "I am confused as to when to wear a hat and gloves..."
Vanderbilt replies, "When in doubt, wear a hat -- and gloves..."  She goes on to make a list of hat rules, such as:
"1. Wear a hat and gloves to church and to any religious ceremony...
2.  Wear a hat to any formal reception...
3.  Wear a hat when making a formal call on an important person, such as a governor or a bishop.
4.  Wear a hat - or be prepared to do so - if you are a professional speaker before any group..."

There is an ongoing nostalgia for all things 1950-ish.  The thought being that it was a lovely time of peace and quiet following World War II.  While reading Vanderbilt's etiquette book, it looks to be just one more era of fairly rigid rules on what to where and how to act - lest one receive criticism for the simple act of not wearing a hat while giving a public speech.

Papillon

More 1950's etiquette

Today - we look at 1950's restaurant etiquette.

A woman from Texas wrote to Amy Vanderbilt asking how to order dinner when at a restaurant with her boyfriend.

Amy's reply:
"You do not pick up the menu yourself, but you wait until it is presented to you by your escort or by the waiter.  You give your order to the escort rather than to the waiter.....you give your order to your escort, for it is his masculine duty to scan the (menu) card and suggest things that might appeal to your palate.  It is also he who suggests the wine, if any.  A girl may know all about food herself, but, as a guest of a man in a restaurant, she defers politely to his suggestions, although, of course, she's not required to eat anything that she doesn't like."

I do so love the fact of how women's liberation has changed things.  Now we don't have to play this silly game of women deferring to men simply because they're men.  I love the proviso at the end about how a girl doesn't have to eat anything she doesn't like.  Wow, that's nice.

So ladies, give a big shout-out of thanks to all the women who firmly set themselves forward and said - we are self-sufficient adults and should be able to do those adult things like voting and not being considered chattel and - on a lesser note - being competent to order our own food when dining out with a man.  Because, after all, we are, in fact, adults.

Let the games cease!

Hip, hip, hooray!
Papillon

Fleeing the 1950's

As usual, I've been browsing through the book section at Goodwill looking for interesting books.  I found a couple including one from the early/mid 1950's.  It's Amy Vanderbilt's Everyday Etiquette.  I bought it chiefly for the entertainment value.

I must admit, I was grew up in the 1950's (partly).  In reading the etiquette book, I am so glad I'm no longer living there.  The book is written based on questions asked of Ms. Vanderbilt by her readers.

Here's an example of why I'm glad we're no longer living in the 1950's.

A person (identified as G.H. of La Jolla, California) asks what is suitable attire for a secretary to wear to work.  Ms. Vanderbilt's reply is as follows:
"It depends on the community in which she works.  If she works in a large city, she wears tailored, conservative clothes, low or medium, not high, heels, stockings (even in the hottest weather), minimum of jewelry and none of it clanking, conservative make-up and nails, and a simple coiffeur.  If she works under country conditions, she wears simple country clothes, which again should be on the conservative side.  In the country, for example, sweaters and skirts worn with or without jackets are acceptable, but sweaters in a city are often not permitted."

What the heck are 'country conditions'?  And the thought of having to wear nylons everyday (even in the hottest weather) makes my blood run cold.

I will admit that several years after moving to the Albuquerque area 20 years ago, I was working with a temp agency.  One of the jobs they sent me on was working in the front office of an apartment complex.  I showed up wearing a nice blazer, shirt and slacks.  They refused to let me work because 'corporate' refused to have women wearing slacks in their front office.  I was dumbfounded, after all this was the early 1990's, not the 1950's.  Needless to say, I notified the temp agency and headed for home.

I'll be passing along more 'tips' for your amusement.

Papillon

Oh, My

Another excerpt from the previously mentioned book Bennett Cerf's The Sound of Laughter:
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Well-brought-up young ladies in the 1870's learned their good manners from the pages of a book that is unbelievable by present-day standards.  It was called Hill's Manual of Social and Business Forms and it has just been republished under the slightly updated title of Never Give a Lady a Restive Horse.

Professor Hill gave strict orders to young ladies just climbing out of bed in the morning.  "Take a complete bath at once," he commanded, adding, "A simple washing out of the eyes will not do at all."  In the chapter headed "Errors to be avoided," Professor Hill brooked no nonsense from male readers, either.  "NEVER," he ordered, "allow butter, soup, or other food to remain on your whiskers."  There are forty-one other "nevers" listed by Professor Hill, including things not to be done in hansom cabs and other horse-drawn vehicles.
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OK, I'm now kinda grossed out at the thought of what bearded men are allowing to remain in and on their whiskers.  Ick!  At least he was trying to get people to bathe regularly.  It certainly helps to reduce the 'funk' in a room full of mostly unwashed people.

Hmmmm, I may go over to Amazon and see if I can locate a copy of this book.  It sounds like it could be a fun read.  Perhaps similar to a list I read a while back from perhaps the 1940's or 1950's with rules for wives and how they should maintain their households and keep their husbands happy.  It's a good thing I wasn't a housewife back then or my head would have been inside that gas oven hoping for a quick end.

Papillon